Restroom Etiquette

You’re asking yourself, why? Because I’m frequently in the restroom with urinal conversationalists and soap allergy sufferers, that’s why. Let’s review some methods to combat the bad habits of rest mates. Check the door lock before knocking or turning the handle, sometimes there’s a vacancy indicator, prove you’re literate. When entering, try to clip the door knob with your forearm or wrist, and catch the door with your elbow. Always smile at the exiting user, you’re about to discover what they’ve been through.

For solid deliveries, like dressing rooms, I will occupy the handicap stall if it’s available. For liquid deliveries, any stall takes precedence, then any urinal with space on either side; I don’t mind waiting for a comfortable opportunity as a last resort. Man to man, to properly clear your urethra, press your perineum, the space between your scrotum and anus. Yes, seriously, trust me; you’ll preserve underwear comfort and restore zipper confidence.

We’re almost done. Kick the lever to flush, and nudge the seat closed. Wash your hands with soap or hand sanitizer instead of dry handed whistling; you’ve been warned. Choose a paper towel over the hand dryer, then use it to open the door. Remember to smile as you exit and comfort the next user.

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