Category Archives: Style

New Glasses!

Well known secret: my glasses have been broken for some time now. It’s one of those things that illicit subtle stares to confirm they’re indeed broken, without asking any questions. Like with the occasional pimple, most people will not point at your face in passing; however, like the eczema on a sufferer’s neck, it’s hard not to glance every now and then to quietly wonder about treatment. So I get it, I just don’t care. To prioritize functionality over aesthetics means I would amputate my own foot if it meant more speed: four minute mile speed for starters. If you thought the functionality of wearing glasses was to impress you, then you’ve done your self evaluation a great disservice.

My plan was to walk into the glasses store with a coupon for a $20 eye exam and prescription, then search for a suitable frame online. Being a technologist, I already vowed to never go in-store shopping again once Amazon develops same day delivery. About this coupon idea, no one likes printers, and I was worried that the clerk wouldn’t use the recycle bin. Of course I printed the coupon nonetheless, because I wouldn’t dare expect them to honor the deal without wasting trees.

My exam experience was great though, the optometrist was a nice older gentleman surrounded by younger administrative folks. Afterwards the sales pitch started: Would you like to buy frames? Okay, how much are you paying there if you don’t mind me asking? Well I can also sell you something for under $100 and knock off the $20 cost of the exam. The real kicker was trying on the glasses with immediate feedback, having the frame and lenses ready within an hour, and peering into the sales clerk’s wide open blouse; which I don’t feel ashamed about, because that’s what the gaping cleavage was obviously there for.

About the glasses themselves, they’re awesome! I immediately tweeted:

That awesome moment a new pair of glasses can make all the difference: I see better, look better, and everyone else needs more makeup.

My last pair were very Malcolm X. I wanted something larger and not black; basically something that didn’t immediately tie me to politics and activism. The best my online searches turned up were a pair of plastic aviators I wasn’t sure would last a week in the real world. The breasts were kind enough to suggest two pairs I liked, the first were reminiscent of my last pair with a metal frame top and loose lens bottom. The second pair remains on my face. I love the look! They’re my first pair to equally encourage goofiness and professionalism with exclamation points! The online price difference was made up in terms of breasts and convenience.

Lastly, I almost purchased a pair of sunglasses, before remembering the lessons I learned and didn’t want to repeat from over wearing them a few years back. Prolonged sunglass wear makes your eyes very sensitive to sunlight. Once my I lost my first pair of Tom Fords, which I loved by the way, I could barely go anywhere without a visor. And second, I could no longer justify the confidence hidden behind my tinted wandering eyes; even a busty clerk should know her bust is appreciated. So I can look you in the eye; if anything, without spending the extra money to remove glare from my lenses, it’s possible you can blind yourself attempting to look at me.

Contacts are next, I think I’ll go with white pupils!



To continue contesting my uptight image, I will readily admit that I’m probably not the most naturally attractive man in the room, and yet I also realize some favorable factors: confidence, manners, modesty, physique, and one of which we’ll cover today: semi-flawless skin. For starters, I’m not a television personality who wears makeup on the low; I would probably limit my makeup consumption to eye liner and lip gloss if I were a woman, and save the exotic mascaras for special occasions. With the ladies in mind, makeup must be managed, clogging pores overnight will do more damage in the long-term than you can mask in the short-term.

Let’s begin with my mistakes you can learn from first. Dabbing pimples with toothpaste overnight was supposed to miraculously dry them out by morning, don’t do that. Alcohol, rubbing and drinking, has a similar effect; we basically want to avoid drying our skin. Once I aggressively scrubbed a persistent pimple with a small amount of alcohol, I stripped a significant portion of skin from my face that day, never again! Now we’re ready to review my basic steps:

  • Lightly rub your face with a moist material, stop scrubbing your face, it’s sensitive!
  • Rinse with cold water! This tip is constantly under-utilized due to our modern era. We’ve become accustomed to steamy warm showers. The warmth opens our pores, which creates a vacuum for opportunistic germs to travel from the cooler environment into our warm body! I love warm showers myself, get accustomed to closing your shower experience with ice cold cheeks.
  • Leave your face damp after washing, lightly rub in a moisturizer, lightly dab excessive moisture away. Note the trend.
  • Frequently change your sheets and towels, they’re prominently within reach of your precious face in a vulnerable state.
  • Drink lots of water, continue the moisturized trend from within.
  • If all unequipped options fail, then a change of shampoo may help by cleansing your scalp of any remaining clogged pores. Try a shampoo with Selenium, like Selsun Blue, to simultaneously fight any unknown bacterial skin infections.

I won’t pretend that I haven’t asked a lot of you. This laundry list of tips, though short, is less interesting than waking up to apply toners, foundation, powders, and the like. Finding the time throughout the day to wash your oily skin sounds much less appealing than obeying a Clean and Clear commercial. The ironic part about the skin care industry is that most of my routine is outlined on their product instructions. Take a look for yourself, are there mentions of pre-washes, dabbing, light handling, or multiple applications? Anyways, if none of this works, then see a skincare professional, not the makeup counter at Macys, where their hands and face are completely different complexions.

Grandpa Pants

This year will mark my thirtieth journey around the sun, I bring this up because Happy New Year! I recently bought two pairs of jeans; they’re your run of the mill Levi’s 511s, skinny jeans, except for the extra inch in the waist. Where I normally wear a size 33, I bought a size 34; because I’m getting old of course, and that means getting comfortable!

I was skinny as a child; I never ate much, and played always. I moderately bulked up as a young adult, and toned what I had; now fat people call me skinny and skinny people call me built – I prefer athletically toned. While the slouches of the world remain comfortable, for me, a 6’2 man, slouching is noticeably lackadaisical and personally undesirable. Until recently, some mild discomfort was a normal byproduct of good posture in terms of appearance, now I’m asking for seconds at the dinner table. My purchase simply reflects a need to occasionally lean back in a chair without feeling gas build up, or not immediately change into sweat pants when I walk through my door.

The jeans do ever so slightly fall differently than their predecessors, however the difference is felt more than seen. Although my first pair of 33 x 32 skinny jeans fit well, without stretching like a second layer of skin, maybe what I really needed were a pair of slim fit jeans; maybe I should have asked about a high rise waist version, or maybe I think you’re privileged walking behind me in the first place. I bet the waistline’s journey upward always begins with these small increments, dabbling in the name of comfort, and touching a nipple before you know it. I do expect to gradually gain weight for the next two decades, before losing weight again and withering away until I die. With this kind of foresight, I’m going to make an excellent grandparent!

Secret Deodorant

Something close to my heart is Secret deodorant, it’s applied directly to my armpits, less than a foot away from each ventricle. Being raised by three women, my choices as an active boy were limited – and we searched.

We tried deodorants packaged with colognes – throw those Brute bars directly in the trash bin. Davidoff? No! I’ve found Right Guard spray cans make better flame thrower components than odor eliminators, and that original smell is toxic. Tried to go natural twice, applied a Toms brand, and Arm and Hammer variants on different days – regret both days. The recent headlining contenders for rectifying male perspiration have been Old Spice and Axe Body Spray, both of which I have commended for comedic value, and avoided for their gimmicky nature; thanks guys, I have what works and don’t need your product to attract women.

My secret is out, consider this humility, that “made for a woman” quip is daunting; at least I’ll be able to raid my wife’s deodorant supply. Rounding Prospect Park, or after hours of sun beaten basketball, like a commercial, Secret keeps me feeling comfortably refreshed. Let’s not get into soap, those Dove bars are amazing. Women know what they’re doing, while Irish Spring has left me feeling like a mopped floor.